(SatWE, Technical Writing) A Procrastination Primer | Gather

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Len?s challenge this week: Let?s see if you?ll make a good technical writer. Write a set of step-by-step instructions on how to do something. What? Anything you want, but I?d ask that you include at least five steps.

If you want to know why I thought a Procrastination Primer fitted this challenge, keep on reading.

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?I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do the day after.?
Oscar Wilde

?Procrastinate now, don't put it off.?
Ellen DeGeneres

?I could have looked up more procrastination quotes. Maybe I will later.?
The Author

Procrastination. Everybody does it. While for some it may be a four-letter-word (at least, for those who can?t spell or count), to others - for example, a community of writers gathered on an unnamed *ahem* website - procrastination can sometimes be an art form. However like all forms of art, there are certain steps to getting it right.

Step 1: Gauge the subject of your procrastination.
Procrastination is a balancing act, where you compare the value you place on the task at hand with the value you place on the time it would take doing it. Some of these comparisons do not take much effort:

• Example 1: it is a cold winter?s day and the front lawn is overgrown. Do you stay inside in the warmth, with beer and potato chips and the football on the television, or do you get out the lawnmower?
• Example 2: you are experiencing chest pains, your head is spinning and you cannot breathe. Do you call the ambulance, or do you have another beer and wait until the end of the football on the television?

While other comparisons may be more difficult, for example changing a light bulb in the basement or getting the car serviced. In which case you may need to move on to the next step.

Step 2: Gauge the level of your procrastination.
How long can you reasonably put off the task at hand? A day? A week? A month? Until you trip over the boxes in the basement? Until your car stutters and dies at the traffic lights? Forever?
Generally speaking, shorter levels of procrastination are easier to justify than longer ones, however the more practice you get, the longer you can stretch it out. It takes an expert procrastinator, or a really lazy bastard, to be able to justify the eternal option.

• Example 1, above: mowing the lawn on a cold winter?s day. Well if Saturday is cold and horrible, most likely Sunday will be as well, so it only makes sense that you won?t be able to do it until next weekend. Of course there?s a pretty massive weather pattern over the country at the moment. It may be a couple of weeks at least before it has passed. Heck, spring is only a month or so away, and the grass doesn?t grow that fast over winter. You hardly go out there, anyway.
• Example 2, above: calling the ambulance when you have chest pains. This one is actually quite easy. There is a very good chance here that your only level of procrastination is the eternal one.

Step 3: Sell your procrastination.
Successful procrastination also requires careful consideration of your audience. If you are both the author and the audience then you can skip this step; if however, your audience is external then you may need to work a little harder. Your arguments ought to be tailored, in both form and content, for whomever you are selling them to:

• Example 1: explaining to your boss why you are late on the project. ?Well, I experienced some slippage while getting buy-in from all the stakeholders, and took on board advice to concentrate the core competencies and picking the low-hanging fruit, and I made an executive decision to reassign the deadline to a more reasonable delivery pipeline.?
• Example 2: explaining to your wife why you aren?t cleaning out the guttering. ?But honey, I?m not really feeling well at the moment, too dizzy to be clambering about on the roof - *cough, cough*. Anyway, I?d rather spend some quality time with you. Did I tell you that you look hot in those jeans??

Note the difference between these two examples. You need to pay attention to this, as getting it wrong could be counterproductive. It is likely for example, that your wife will not respond kindly to comments about slippage and low-hanging fruit, and your boss will not appreciate your saying he looks hot in those jeans.

Step 4: Marshal your excuses.
For every reason there is to complete a job, a good procrastinator can come up with two more against. This one goes hand-in-hand with steps two and three above, however the expert procrastinator will always have a few extra stored away, in case his audience is less than forgiving.

• Example: the car is due for a service. How many excuses can you come up with?
  ?Well I can?t even think about affording that until payday.?
  ?When a car is as old as mine, the service intervals are more of a guideline than a rule.?
  ?I?ve only just got it broken in from the last service.?
  ?The warning lights on the dashboard aren?t actually lit yet. It?ll keep.?
  ?The warning lights on the dashboard aren?t actually flashing yet. It can wait.?
  ?It?s always been a bit rough at idle. It is only a 4-cylinder engine, after all.?

Step 5: Consider alternate tasks.

It may be that instead of out-and-out procrastination, you may get away with some sort of diversion instead. Consider whether a side issue can take attention away from the task at hand, or the same result can be achieved with something less onerous.

• Example: your Saturday Writing Essential editor sets the challenge of technical writing. Instead of choosing a valid subject, applying logical thought to it and composing a clear and concise set of work instructions, perhaps you could write some drivel about procrastination and hope that the bullet-point formatting, circular logic and indulgent, self-referential style covers over the glaring reality that, in fact, you haven?t written anything even damn close to a technical article.

Step 6: Make procrastination an end rather than a means.
If you are especially determined, and if the task at hand allows it, you may find yourself able to avoid it completely. This would be a procrastinator?s version of a hole in one or a perfect 300, if it weren?t for the fact that would imply you have achieved something, which is precisely what you are trying to avoid.

• Example: your Wednesday Writing Essential editor sets the challenge of writing a space romance comedy, set on Mars. How many steps would it take to make this go away? Bear in mind it must be in by Wednesday next week.
  ?Okay, wow. A space romance comedy set on Mars. I?d better start researching space, romance, comedy and Mars. But I can?t do that on an empty stomach. I?ll start after dinner.?
  ?Oh, cool. Law and Order. I?ll start after that.?
  ?Well it is far too late now. I?d better look at it tomorrow.?
  ?Okay, which angle to take? I?ll go with romance. I?ll start after dinner.?
  ?Now I know what my problem is. I?m trying to write two challenges at once. How could I possibly do that? I?ll finish Len?s one first.?
  ?Well that took far too long. I?d better check what everyone else has written... oh, damn, two submissions just like mine. I?d better start again. Tomorrow. After dinner.?
  ?I guess I?d better Google something...here we go... missions to Mars... Oh. Wow. Look at that. Dogs on skateboards. Cool.?
  ?Am I gonna make it? What?s the time in the States? Let?s Google it... Hey, cats dressed like movie stars. That looks like fun.?
  ?Bugger. It?s Thursday.?

Step 7: Make procrastination a group event.
They say that a problem shared is a problem halved. Procrastinators like this concept. If you manage to share your procrastination problem between enough people, there may be nothing left of it at all.

• Group exercise: I can?t think of a way to close this post. Therefore I am asking you, the reader, to close it for me in the comments. If you manage to post the best close in the comments I will award you five points. If you can?t be bothered, I will award you ten.

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